Change, Courage, Purpose & Love

{April 9, 2013}   The Truth Comes Out

Does anyone else get social anxiety when you are over 300 lbs and you try to go to the local gym? It freaks me out! I am at my largest weight and here comes the honesty….I am at 380lbs. Although I am constantly told that I don’t look it and that I carry my weight well, the truth is in the numbers. When I realized how close to 400 lbs I was, I pretty much FREAKED OUT! When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a girl that could possibly weigh that much.

All my life I have struggled with my weight. The older I got, the more I put on. Every year it was as if I went up a pant size. All through high school I was a size 16-18. I was so active that I pretty much maintained that size. I skated, I rode bikes, I hiked, etc. I weighed around 180lbs and I was HOT! I was never that girl that got picked on for my weight except for the occasional disgruntled ex-boyfriend or a jealous girl who couldn’t understand how I was so popular but not skinny like the girls on magazines. Crazy thing is, I never wanted to be like those girls. I loved being “thick”. I have big eyes, I think I’d look like a bug if I was too thin. Lol.

Right after highschool, I broke my left leg and had to have a metal plate put in and in my early 20s I got in a car accident and shattered my right leg. Both incidents took me over 6 months to learn how to walk again. When you are overweight naturally and now you aren’t moving the weight just piles on. I think I gained 100 by the time I was 23. Then the depression sunk in and the excuses started increasing. I hated what I saw in the mirror and then the emotional eating began. I ate out of boredom, sadness, anger, etc. I never really learned anything about healthy eating. Food was my addiction. Still is. It’s a daily battle. Battle to eat the right things, eat less portions, don’t eat out, exercise, cook my own meals. God, it seems like so much work.

I refused to weigh myself for years. I preferred to go by my pant size and how I felt when I looked in the mirror. Well that would only work for a short time and I’d fall off and gain all the weight back and more. I lost 75 lbs once and gained it all back. I’ve had enough of all this back and forth. I just want to win the battle once and for all. I admire people who love to be fit and healthy. They truly enjoy it. I’d like to get to that point. I want to change and I want to enjoy it. I need a whole new persepctive on things. I’ve been telling myself that it’s easy this time around. 200lb weight loss isn’t anything. People do it all the time. I’m taking baby steps, instead of giant leaps. I’ve put my story out there for support, because out of shame I hid my pain and I never truly got anywhere. I’m not giving up this time. I’m sure I will make mistakes a long the way, but I’m not giving up. With God all things are possible.

Will the Skinny Laura Please Stand Up?


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